Thursday, September 03, 2015

New Zealand's Prime Minister John Key Foists Woops Hoists His New Flag...

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key has just foist  hoist his new flag on and over the heads
of the unsuspecting public of this once great little country.
I spoke to Shonkey over a cup of tea again yesterday just after the final four designs had been selected
from an initial ten thousand.
"Yea nah well the idea is haha that the public vote in a referendum for what design they like and then that choice is voted on against the existing flag".
"A choice between a fern and a fern and a fern and a Koru isn't really much of a choice is it Prime Minister?"
"Yea nah, well look Keith, at the end of the day the great unwashed woops, the general public wouldn't know diddly squat about what is up and what is half mast.
Achully between you and me and this mustn't go any further, I've already chosen the winning design and Richie McCaw likes it too so it's a done deal."
"And what about the $26m cost of the referendum Prime Minister?"
"Yea nah well at the end of the day it's only money and democracy has to be seen to be done."

You heard it here...

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Fonterra. Milking The New Zealand Dairy Farmer...

The chief executives sit
Fonterra's fat cats in their designer chairs
High on the pigs back
Without any cares.

And while they're busily
Hoarding their gold
The hardworking farmers
Are outside in the cold.

Their lives now in tatters
Their loved ones in tears
Their futures on hold
Their farms deep in arrears.

Financial deals are offered
The farmer for now holds onto his dream
And the bankers smile behind his back
Like the cats who got the cream.

Some farmers will end it
In despair without hope
They'll farewell their loving families
At the end of a swinging rope.

And all the while
Overpaid executives with their millions will play
As they raise their flutes of Dom Perignon
To another successful day.

September 24 2015. Fonterra CEO Theo Spiering's annual salary has just had an 18% pay increase taking his pay to $5 million. He announced also today that Fonterra will be getting rid of seven hundred and fifty staff. To save money and help turn Fonterra into a leaner machine...
You heard it here...

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

New Zealand Prime Minister Secretly Admits Opposition Parties Have Good Ideas...

You heard it here.
In an exclusive interview with The Grapevine over a cup of tea on a remote beach in New Zealand's Far North,
Mrs Key's little boy and Prime Monster of New Zealand, John, has admitted that Parliament's opposition parties
do have good ideas.
"Yea nah to be honest with you Keith, I'm well aware that only three people read The Grapevine so I can be sure that nobody who matters will ever know this but yes it's true, those opposition parties do come up with good ideas damn them".
Just then a young woman wandered past with her dog and John hurriedly jumped up and attempted to pull her ponytail before she quickly kicked him in the gonads and resumed her beach walk.
John came back to his cup of tea, visibly shaken, not stirred."I couldn't help it".
And after a few moments continued. "The problem is if I acknowledge any of their ideas are good and agree to an accommodation with them for the good of the country, I'd look silly.
Bill, Stephen, Jerry and the boys would laugh at me. Judith would have a bloody field day.
I'd lose face. I just can't do it.
All I can do is ridicule them and their damn ideas and then after a while, present the same ideas as mine.
Look Keith, I've got to go, I've really appreciated this confidential little chat. I hope we can do it again.
It's so hard to find someone to trust these days"...

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Andrew Little. This Month's Leader Of The New Zealand Labour Party...

This month's leader of the New Zealand Labour Party, Andrew Little told The Grapevine in an exclusive interview,
that his party will pledge to the people of New Zealand that at the next general election in 2017,
he will seek a mandate for Labour to become the Permanent Opposition Party in the New Zealand Parliament.
"We've done it before and we've proven we're good at it" he said enthusiastically.
"It makes my life easier too, it means that as a political party we don't have to come up with silly social policies which are always difficult to get agreement on in our caucus.
We'll just be able to party".
More like a wake perhaps but, you heard it here...

Wednesday, June 03, 2015

The Auckland City Council Pleads With More Motorists To Park Illegally...

The Super City of Auckland is in a sorry financial state and Jaffa Mayor Brown has gone public saying
the council will have to consider raising the amount of fines to cover expenses.
Even though the council gave out more than ten million dollars worth of fines last year,
the problem is that with parking infringement fines at a measly $12 the rate of revenue is just not enough to cover costs.
There are some councilors who haven't had an all expenses paid overseas holiday for months.
And making matters worse, some of the city's parking wardens are insisting on being polite, kind and considerate
and giving errant motorists a ten minute time window to top up their meters.
You heard it here...

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Women Have Returned To The Streets Of This Tiny New Zealand Village...

Up until a few days ago, there had been very few women on the street or in the supermarkets
or the cafes in the tiny North Island village of Warkworth, a beautiful little place nestled on the banks
of the Mahurangi River and unfortunately, not far enough north from the despised Jaffaland known as Dorkland.
Jacqui who doesn't want to be named and who owns one of the local hair salons
said they'd been busy creating shortened hair styles for those
with long hair as the women had awaited the arrival  of the nine year
old serial pony tail puller and Prime Minister, Johnny Key.
He recently had to apologise to a young waitress in a local Parnell cafe
he and his wife frequently visit for repeatedly pulling her hair on a
number of visits there.
His behaviour had initiated legal proceedings against him and
the sorry and embarrassing saga had been picked up by media world-wide.
He and his baby sitters were due to visit the village sometime soon.
Very soon and too soon.
He was due to open Warkworth's Annual Pin The Tail On The Donkey Games
but with all the horsing around he likes to do, it was feared he may well linger longer.
Some, fearing they would be targeted by the nimble fingered Ponytailphile,
left in specially commissioned and blacked out buses for secret locations
where they thought they'd be safe from the fingers of the little thrillseeker.
They'd left their husbands and families with
enough prepared food in the home freezers to last a few days should the
young juvenile stay longer than his scheduled visit.
Fortunately the little Jonkey has had an intensive course of therapy
and his inclination to pull women's hair has now been cut short.
You heard it here...


Wednesday, May 06, 2015

The New Zealand Government Closes All The Country's Roads...

The New Zealand Government has just approved a scheme by sixty votes to sixty one, to close all two lane roads throughout the country and turn them into one directional two lane roads in an effort to reduce the road toll caused by people, especially tourists, from driving on the wrong side of the road.
From sometime soon there will be no 'wrong side' so for the drunk, the dyslexic and the foreign driver, they will no longer be in the wong lane.
On Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays, all the country's roads will be used to go one way and on Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays they will be used to drive the other way thus enabling those who went shopping on Wednesday to get home the next day.
Sunday will be now known as Mayhemday when all the roads are multicultural and multidirectional and the day all New Zealand Emergency Services will be taking a break from their onorous duties.
All roads on Mayhemday will be tolled and drivers will have the options of online payments.
There will be no facilities open for cash transactions.
All hospitals will be closed but Psychiatric Services will be on standby in most but not all of the major cities.
People needing any of these services should refer to the Yellow Pages.
You heard it here...


Monday, May 04, 2015

The Definition Of Satire By Wikipedia...

Satire is a genre of literature, and sometimes graphic and performing arts, in which vices, follies, abuses, and shortcomings are held up to ridicule, ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement. Although satire is usually meant to be humorous, its greater purpose is often constructive social criticism using wit to draw attention to both particular and wider issues in society.
A feature of satire is strong irony or sarcasm in satire, irony is militant but parody, burlesque, exaggeration juxtaposition, comparison, analogy, and double entendre are all frequently used in satirical speech and writing. This "militant" irony or sarcasm often professes to approve of (or at least accept as natural) the very things the satirist wishes to attack.
Satire is nowadays found in many artistic forms of expression, including literature, plays, commentary, television shows, blogs, newspapers, magazines and song lyrics.

Friday, May 01, 2015

Keith Levy Says His Mother Was A Wonderful Woman...

Keith says his mother was a wonderful woman. But he remembers her telling his father that if she'd known their son was going to turn out the way he did, she would have remained a virgin.
You heard it here...

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Mark Howard Bans Himself From His Own Forum...

Mark Howard, Head Honcho and Chief Control Freak of The NZ Motorhome And Caravan Forum, seen here
in his current profile photograph taken in 1924, has today, after banning all other members, banned himself from his own forum for making rude, patronising and gratuitously flattering remarks to some and veiled threats and personal, insulting and condescending comments to others. He's accused himself of double standards. Following an 'Announcement' yesterday, he and his team are currently secreted away, wearing their hair shirts, flagellating each other and using international 'how-to' consultants to assist in rewriting the forum rulebook while assuring themselves that all is well.
You heard it here...